Anger Management Self Help

 My journey with anger management has been a long one, I did get help from a pro but she taught me how to do self anger management and it's sometime very hard but not impossible.

The first thing you need to learn is why people with anger problems have so much trouble controlling it. A lot of the time it is because your amygdala is firing to fast for your prefrontal cortex to keep up, your brain is very complex and hard to understand at times, now the amygdala is like a trigger or button once it is activated there is no stopping it however there is a second button I call it the control button which is your prefrontal cortex sometimes that button is harder to push but it can be done. The best way to get your prefrontal cortex to react is time, if you are getting angry and feel that burning red hot rage take control and walk away from whatever is making you angry, yes I know that is hard to do but trust me you can do it. Sometimes if you can't actually walk away from it then use as much self control as possible and sit there not talking, if you don't add fuel to the fire it will eventually go out and you just need to hold out. Sometimes it helps to escape to a pleasant memory or thought of something that makes you happy, it might even be the person you are angry with, remember how much that person means to you and remember that you don't want to lose this person or hurt them.

Sometimes it's not just an overactive amygdala it can be something that is constantly triggering your amygdala and you are so use to it that it seems like you get angry easily or that you get very angry very fast but that is not the case, you are angry all of the time you just don't notice it. The best thing you can do in this case is to figure out what exactly is making you so angry why are you mad all of the time. The major questions you need to ask yourself is:

What happened to you in your past?

Who hurt you?

What hurt you?

Did you lose someone?

What feelings are you repressing?

What did you never let go?

What are you not saying or talking about?

Anger is not a main emotion it's a reaction emotion due to something else you are felling, this is how you figure out why you are mad, you can be feeling sad or alone or even disconnected so if you are angry I want you to incorporate "I feel" statements start off by saying "I'm mad/angry because..." for example:

I'm angry because I feel disrespected. Than ask why you feel disrespected, understand it and express it in a calm verbal way. do the same with every other emotion that triggers your anger.

I'm angry because I feel like I have no control.

I'm angry because I feel sad and I feel uncomfortable to feel sad.

I'm angry because I feel unloved.

I'm angry because I feel alone.

I'm angry because I feel unheard.

Keep saying these statements and asking yourself why you are feeling disrespected, sad, uncomfortable, unloved, alone, unheard and any other feelings that you have, not only will this help you to calm down but it is also a great communication tool to help you explain to the other person in the situation what is going on inside your head and gives that person more of an understanding so the anger can die down on both sides, but sometimes in the moment you forget your tools so once again step away from the situation, take a beat and think.

Let me tell you a little bit about a situation recently where I forgot my tools and didn't walk away from the situation.

Recently someone brought up something I was very uncomfortable with and instead of me saying how I feel I got angry and let it tear me down, I let my thoughts and feelings about it eat me up and hurt me, I eventually verbally expressed it but not before I let it almost destroy me. I felt unloved, disrespected, out of control, not good enough, sad, alone, abandoned, ugly, unworthy, left out, I felt like I was second best, I felt unimportant, I felt cheated, disconnected, replaceable, I felt like giving up, I felt hurt, broken, I felt like everyone was better then me and my response was anger, red hot rage in the pit of my soul, the thoughts going through my head consumed me and scared me, I just couldn't believe the situation and the things that happened leading up to that situation, yes I let myself go, I let my anger control me and it hurt me so much more, I'm still upset about the whole thing but I've got my control back and yes it still hurts, the pain doesn't just go away but the anger does because I know why I was angry and knowing is half the battle.

Don't let anger control you, you control the anger or you will only end up hurting yourself.